Idk why I'm still so concerned about what you do to me. Why am I so curious about what you wrote on my calf ? Maybe it wasn't even anything. Why am I so curious about our skinship ? About when you pulled me to you on the bed.. About when you held my hand..

I'm attached. I'm not suppose to think of this. Not suppose to think of you.

rained @ 6:22 PM

Sometimes I don't know what I'm thinking. Dk what I'm feeling. Am I doing the right thing ?

总觉得不够爱他。觉得。。不可能像爱 ta 一样爱他。虽然已经不再爱 ta 了，or so I should feel so, 但就是不一样。。

I feel so bad. This is not right. Just hope you'll come back soon to make it feel right again.

rained @ 11:34 AM

Two days ago, yy was told me "i think you're very strong also. Like despite all the responsibilities amd pressure you're still doing your thing. If I were you I might just whine like shit HAHA" 

rained @ 2:41 PM

Needed to let it out somewhere so yea of course here's the best.

So.. today the Mr Chu team performed at the apink MV dance competition and *drumrollsssssss*

WE GOT FIRST IN PLACE !! :D TYTY.

anyway gerri's friend was saying that the crowd's response wasnt good when we won.

even though i know logically why (will mention below), i cant help but to feel a little sad ):
1) the groups knew each other so obviously they'll want either of them to win but nehnehnibubu we got the first place instead.
2) same for the crowd ^
3) no one from KDT came cus we didnt invite cus it's recess week and we have mid terms tomorrow (yet we still came for this competition. yea crazy i know) if KDT people came obviously we'll totally own the audience and get loud cheers.
4) this is a MV dance competition. MV is the most important judging criteria. it's obvious that our video's the best (thanks to our super good videographer zhikai) PLUS we totally owned the FB likes and shares. so it's likely that we will win (we werent confident at all at first because we dk how the weightage was like. but apparently MV weighs more and it makes sense because it's a MV dance competition NOT a DANCE competition. too bad for the rest who gave a half-pigu video because you all didnt even bother. i think we won it fair and square.)
5) I think we deserved to win because we freaking neglected our studies for this AND we were the ONLY group that submitted before the first dateline.

So yea actually there are many logical reasoning to why we won and i know we deserved the first prize. but yea idk why i just feel abit weird. maybe because shaun showed me a ss of one of the groups' members who posted that they werent the first but they are the first in the audiences' hearts. oh well.

then again that's cus most of the audience are 你们的人 so obviously in their hearts you first lah.

yea reasoning that kinda helped me feel better again yay !

我们赢得问心无愧。因为我们真的很努力。而且我们的作品是最符合参赛条件的。所以我们赢得公正，赢得漂亮！

you all not happy next time just take part in dance competition not MV dance competition lah. just like we know we not that 强 so we probably wont take part in a dance competition. it's call 有自知之明。你们这些小妹妹，这点还要跟姐姐们多多学习啊。



feeling much better now i can sleep in peace hahaha. studying oh no.

rained @ 1:06 AM

Sometimes I feel..idk if i love you enough. or if i even love you for that matters.

他给我的感觉和你给的真的很不一样。 그 설렌 마음/느낌 좀 없는 것 같아..

I feel safe with you. Confident that you love me. Confident that you wouldnt leave me. But with him, it's really the..心跳加速 when he put his arms around my shoulder to avoid the bicycle.

I know he's not for me. He wouldnt ever fall for me and it'll be torturous for me to stay by his side because i'm never treated as his type before. All the pain I've felt in those years, I KNOW it hurts.

And that you're the one who've been beside me, showering me with concern, love and gifts. you're such a perfect boyfriend to me, I cant ask for more.

But why am I feeling this way ? Why do I get annoyed when you become overly sensitive, insecure and overly attached ? I thought I'm supposed to be happy that you're so afraid to lose me. Am I wrong ? Or is it normal to be annoyed at these ?

I need you to be back beside me, physically. To shove the fact in my face that you're the one I need. I need to treasure you and not take your love for granted.

This is so bad.

I am so bad.

rained @ 12:56 PM

宁愿一个人也不愿不做自己。

rained @ 2:36 PM

Maybe it was reading yy's blog that reminded me that hey I have a blog too.

Been too busy (and still am) to blog regularly. But I guess I should start to find pockets of time to do it.

Taking up a leadership role is really.. taxing. When all you think of is wanting the team to grow as a whole, to work towards giving a better performance, but the members are just like "hold on. i just wanna have fun and do what i want". I want to have fun too, but dont you think having fun WHILE giving an awesome performance is more enjoyable ? In order to present a better performance, we have to endure the pain and tough trainings first. it's true that 付出不一定会有相等的回报。 但是不付出，不尝试，又怎么可能会有回报？ If you want the end result to be good, you have to endure it and stop finding excuses/reasons that we can work around. dont like him ? we can find another one ! seriously that's not even an issue. if your end goal is not to present the best performance, then i'm sorry i guess we're not on the same page.

learnt my lesson after tb with regards to who I can work with. i must not make the same mistake again so that I dont have to suffer the same damn thing again.

had enough of this problem and am just gonna forget it and move on. i've wasted too much time on this.



baby's in UK nowwwww. miss him ): and thankful for him. thanks for being by my side (virtually) when i was tearing and needed someone to rant to. if only you were here physically..

CNY's in like 3-4 days ? and i only have one new top lols. gg~

work's piling up and i'm like slowly being buried ): time to buck up pearl. you already ruined a chance for yourself. you can, should, must only look forward and work even harder. harder harder !!

time to start clearing my to do list !

rained @ 12:07 PM